When we last left our hero, Jon Plex, he was enjoying himself some sushi while his friend Todd Vincent was engaged in a battle with Colonel Sanders. I know, it doesn’t make much sense, but I only make minimum wage so don’t expect much clarity from me. Anyways, after Todd got his ass handed to him by the South’s chicken overlord…

Todd Vincent
Bullshit! I won that fight!

You won that fight like Kurt Cobain won his fight against that shotgun.

Todd Vincent
Wow….

Jon Plex
Could you two please shut up and help me pick out a new jersey!?

My apologies boss. Ahem, so now we pick back up with Plex and Vincent at the Consol Energy Center where Jon’s hometown Penguins are preparing for game 5 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs against the Columbus Blue Jackets.

Jon Plex
Oh I like this “Buckle Up” shirt!

Todd Vincent
What’s wrong with the Crosby jersey you’re wearing?

Jon Plex
Nothing. I’m not looking for something for myself.

Todd Vincent
Aww dude, I appreciate—

Jon Plex
It’s not for you either bud!

Todd Vincent
Well…I knew that…pfft!

Jon Plex
It’s for Sawyer.

Todd Vincent
What!? Sawyer? Why in the sam hell are you buying your opponent something? After all the sexist comments you have been making about her this week? I'm so confused right now.

Jon Plex
Look Todd, we’ve been over this already. I think she’s in over her head competing against me, I’m not fond period of women wrestling. That being said, it doesn’t make me complete pig, like you’d have people believe. I think it’s a nice gesture to give her a gift to show there will be no hard feelings after I win the European title.

Todd Vincent
So you honestly think that she’s just gonna gush over your gesture and just brush aside all the comments you have, and will undoubtedly make, about her gender?

Jon Plex
Um…duh! She IS a girl Todd. Let’s not overcomplicate this situation. Females are easily distracted with gifts and shows of affection. Hah, you act like their brains are developed or something. Jeez…what’s with you lately?

Todd Vincent
I just think you’re in over your head pal, that’s all.

Jon Plex
Ohh maybe something old school like a Lemieux jersey. Mario was a beast!

Todd Vincent
What if she doesn’t even like hockey?

Jon Plex
…..

Plex lunges forward and slaps the absolute shit out of Todd!

Jon Plex
DON’T YOU EVER SAY THAT! HOCKEY IS EVERYTHING!

Todd Vincent
Mother fu— I know that god dammit! I’m talking about Sawyer!

Jon Plex
She can get the same thing!

Todd Vincent
Christ! I don’t care what you get the broad, just hurry up so we can get to our seats. We are missing warmups.

Jon Plex
It won’t matter anyways if she likes hockey or not. It’s the principle! She will appreciate my kind act and forever be putty in my hands! I mean obviously she must have some sense of humility.

Todd Vincent
You must have dated some real low self-esteem women.

Jon Plex
Obeying the man doesn’t mean they have low self-esteem! It means they are smart! Since the beginning of time, women have been submissive to men. Every once and a while you have a few that try to defy their places in the chain of command, and that’s when you have to remind them of their inferiority.

Todd Vincent
Sawyers seems like a smart girl though, she’ll probably have something to say about your absurd view of gender equality, and not just let a gift absolve you of your comments.

Jon Plex
Please… Sawyers probably has heels higher than her IQ.

Todd Vincent
Someone needs to give you a gift.

Jon Plex
I know right!? I love presents! I hope it's a snuggie!

Todd Vincent
I’m thinking something along the lines of a wider perspective.

Jon Plex
Why can’t you accept me for who I am?

Dr. Phil
You know Todd, Jon makes a valid point. You knew who he was before you entered this relationship. It seems contradictory to start trying to change him now.

Jon Plex
Sniffle… he doesn’t know how much I care…

Crowd
Boooooo!!!!

Todd Vincent
Give me a break…

Jon Plex
Phil… if Todd was an animal, he be a hedgehog. Because he never shares anything!

Todd Vincent
Look, enough, I get it! I won’t question you anymore about the Sawyers matter. She’s not the only thing you have to be concerned with anyways. There is the champion you remember?

Jon Plex
Of course I remember! I’m like an elephant Todd. Well except I don’t like peanuts…I fucking hate peanuts! Also I love mice... they are so cute!

Todd Vincent
He hasn’t said anything yet, but I’m sure he’s just going to lay down and lose his title without a fight.

Jon Plex
Look Todd, there are two kinds of people in this world. People who love bacon and fucking idiots! I’m not sure which one Reynolds is at this moment, but I can sleep well at night knowing that it will make no difference because this is wrestling and has absolutely nothing to do with one’s preference of breakfast meats.

Todd Vincent
You lost me…

Jon Plex
I’m trying to iterate how much I am not concerned with Wyatt Reynolds. Anything or anybody pre-Plex era are nothing more than sad, misconceived individuals. In all due time though, it will begin to slowly sink in when I’m draped in every title they give me a shot at. Pretty soon I’ll be blinging it up. Hell I might do a rap video or something with all that gold!

Todd Vincent
I’m going to our seats. Do you think you can find your way down there without adult supervision?

Jon Plex
Todd…please… I’m not a child!

Todd shakes his head at Plex who has dried cheese on the corner of his mouth from the nachos they had earlier, mismatched socks, and a little hate with a propellor on top of it.

Todd Vincent
Just hurry up alright?

Todd leaves the pro shop as Plex continues browsing around for a gift to give Sawyer.

Jon Plex
Tell me I’m sexist… who does he think he is?

He’s just worried about you overlooking Sawyer’s talent and possibly…losing?

Jon Plex
Preposterous! I’d only be overlooking Sawyer’s talent if she had any! She is a wommmmannnn! I know I can’t be the only one who realizes this? She has tits, nice tits… real, soft looking….

Jon!

Jon Plex
Oh um, sorry. Sawyers, she seems like a nice girl and personally I have no beef with her. I don’t even like beef! We all have to accept our roles in this life however. Just because you step through the ropes into that ring, doesn’t make you a wrestler. No more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Fair enough. She did win the battle royale though. I mean that has to count for something right?

Jon Plex
Yes, you’re absolute right! It lets me know that the talent pool in the XWF is lower than I had ever imagined! I mean, Romulus had the nerve to attack me after my victory and tell me I don’t deserve a title shot? You couldn’t even beat a woman! YOU LOST TO A WOMAN! He goes around tearing limbs and vital organs out of rednecks, but yet he can’t manage to beat a woman in the ring. People here confuse me, and I’m usually the one doing the confusing!

Jon continues shopping for a few more minutes before finally settling on something to send Sawyer. He makes his purchase and makes his way down to his glass seats where Todd is already hammering the $11 beers!

Todd Vincent
Dubinksy you’re a PUSSY! Hahaha this is great!

Jon Plex
Fleury better not swiss cheese it up tonight! I think this place will storm the ice if he gives up any more soft goals.

Todd Vincent
Well did you finally pick something out?

Jon Plex
I did, I did.

Todd Vincent
Well I guess we play the waiting game now and see how it all unfolds. Maybe you'll end up being right for a change.

Jon Plex
Trust me Todd, women can’t resist the temptation of dropping their guard and succumbing to gifts. You’ll see…Sawyer is no different than any other vajayjay out there.

Jon’s phone starts going off.

Todd Vincent
That damn thing has been going off all day. You forget to pay the credit card bill again?

Jon Plex
No, it’s Paul Heyman!

Todd Vincent
What…what the hell does he want?

Jon Plex
Oh I didn’t tell you? He’s been hounding me relentlessly since my battle royale win. He wants to make me an exclusive “Paul Heyman guy!”

Todd Vincent
Hmm. What are you going to do?

Jon Plex
I’m not sure. That does make for an interesting conversation though. Sawyers is a Heyman..err.. girl and my opponent on Madness. Yet Heyman is blowing me up trying to make me his number 1. Wonder how that’s going to go over with her.

Todd Vincent
I didn’t think about that. It will be interesting indeed.

Jon Plex
What do you think Mr.Scene?

I don’t know the question, but the answer is definitely sex!

Jon Plex
Heyo! You’re fitting in quite nicely.

:)

Todd Vincent
The game is about to start Jon, let’s wrap this up.

Jon Plex
But I don’t have any wrapping paper… or a tortilla, depending on what we are wrapping.

Todd Vincent
That’ll do it.

Our hero shrugs his shoulders and focuses his attention to the ice. Madness draws closer, Bob Ross draws trees, and groups of people who don’t want to do something draws straws. Pretty soon that will be the course of action with all the wrestlers of the XWF. Drawing straws to see who faces the next European champion and World champion, Jon Plex. After they see what he does to Sawyer and Reynolds on Monday night, no one will have the stones to step willingly into the ring with him. Until we meet again, go Pens and all hail Plex!

#moreplexplease