BENEFIT TO SUPPORT BRIAN THOMPSON

As the tune of Sarah McLachlan’s “In the Arms of the Angels” fades into the background the shot opens on Madison Dyson standing in front of an expansive phone bank. Behind her, a score of old rich white men are standing by next to old fashioned rotary style phones.

None of the phones are ringing.

Welcome back to the 2024 benefit to support the family of Brian Thompson, everyone. I hope you all enjoyed or at least begrudgingly tolerated that Kid Rock performance before we went to break. Well folks, the donations are uhhhhh…pouring in!

*Crickets*

Let's get an update on where we’re at! Our current total is…

$212.46

Just over 200 bucks! Because Kid Rock donated $200 after his performance. 

Madison sighs deeply and turns to look at the millionaires and billionaires manning the phones, none of whom seem to be making donations themselves.

Let’s cut to another commercial. I need a goddamn drink.

The camera operator signals to Madison that they are no longer live and Madison hurriedly rushes off the stage and withdraws her cell phone as it starts to ring. Her features brighten considerably as she answers it.

Luigi! What’s poppin’, sexy? Hopefully not your anal virginity. That’s a joke.

Hey Maddy. You still stuck doing that stupid benefit for Brian?

Yeahhhhh. Gotta establish that plausible deniability and shit. 

So I was wondering when I could, you know, get paid for shooting Brian?

Oh honey, don’t you worry, your money is ON THE WAY! You did me a hell of a service after all. The nerve of that fucker denying me coverage for my areolaplasty operation! Do you know what kind of daily torture it is having slightly assymetrical areolas?!

Well, I dunno, maybe? I do have a horrifically painful spinal condition, so I guess I know what daily torture is like.

Okay but sweety, we’re talking about ME. Anyhoo, can’t wait for our next conjugal. If you thought I blew your back out last time….Madison purrs seductively.

Looking forward to it mama. Just, uhh, please don’t forget about my commissary.

Don’t you worry that pretty little head. Maddy’s got it all under control. Ciao, killer! Madison hangs up the phone and finally spots the camera. She scowls and flips it the bird.

Go ahead and tattle! I’m rich! I won’t suffer any consequences.

But hey, while we’re at it, this Dominick Strife guy, eh?

Madison tosses her dreads and laughs.

Listen up you Final Fantasy sounding motherfucker! I spent like ten whole WASTED minutes Google searching Stars of Combat to see just what you were bragging about you little turd. And do you know what I found?! Some show called Combat from the ‘60’s and literally nothing about you or the promotion you’re in. If time is money, you owe me better than an IOU Dommy!

I mean, look, I know it’s all the rage right now to root for the little guy given recent events. But me? When I see an underdog, all I can perceive is WEAKNESS. And let’s make no mistake Dom. You ARE the underdog. And you ARE weak!

Here you are, some eighteen year old pup chirping on about some promotion that doesn’t even land in the first five pages of a Google Search (XWF is on the first page by the by), spouting the same “golly gee willickers wet behind the ears newb in the big city” pablum we’ve seen time and time and time again.

How trite!

How overdone!

Hot utterly BANAL!

Way to capture the hearts and minds of the public, Dom. When we got guys like my boo Luigi lighting the whole fucking world on fire, little guys like you sit there trying to spark some kindling and wonder “what am I doing wrong?”

Well the answer is EVERYTHING. Hell boyo, you even had ample opportunity to make a splash at War Games and what did you do? Couldn’t even be arsed to sign on the dotted line. So instead you dick around with the d-tier on Anarchy. But hey, at leats you dragged that derp lord Latoya Hixx to a dubya, so I guess you got that going for ya. Meanwhile, what have I been doing?

Scoring pinfalls on Corey Black and James Raven, that’s fucking what!

Jesus Christ, you couldn’t be more in over your head if you were Peter goddamn Dinklage.

Do you comprehend the magnitude of what you’re running into? I’ve been in this business longer than you’ve been alive. Your biggest claim to fame is that you have GOOD STAMINA. Right, because no one else can go ten minutes without getting gassed. How long did you stare at a blank sheet of paper thinking up things that supposedly make you special? You even admit in your own roster page on the XWF website that you haven’t figured out what to do to win consistently yet. Well that’s sure to win hearts and minds! As for me? I’ve won my last five out of six matches and the only one I didn’t ace was the War Games final where I still scored MORE ELIMINATIONS THAN LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE. That’s right, rook! More eliminations than SEB. More than Adeyemi. MORE….THAN…..ANYONE.

Is reality starting to set in yet? Is the world drawing down around you?! Bitch I’m about to speed run your entire XWF career by ending it on Anarchy three matches in. But hey, you’ll always have your local bingo hall promotion Stars of Combat to run back to. Ain’t no pond like a puddle, am I right Dommy?

I’m gonna make you eat shit, kiddo. And you’re gonna grin and ask for more by the time I’m done.