Robbie Bourbon, if you did not know, is currently in white collar prison. However, that doesn't mean the machinations of the Black Hand have ever gone away...

DYSTOPIAN ALTERNATE 2021

We open to see the Robbie Bourbon Dojo for the Competitive Arts. The place is still in full swing, with students studying their crafts, and a gang of misfits known as the Bourbon Men kind of just hanging around with nothing to do since Robbie is locked up. Cyberjaw, the man with the cybernetic jaw, Diamondback, the man who can blend into any crowd, Ash, Robbie's personal stylist, and Blue, the woman who has the key to Robbie's heart, are sitting around in Robbie's office. Blue is at the desk, filling in for Robbie in running the day to day operations of the dojo.

Man, I'm bored as fuck.

Me too.

When's Robbie coming back? Seriously, people on the street are starting to ask what's up with him, and those messages he keeps sending from white collar prison sure seem to make me hope he'd get his ass back here.

Without looking away from the computer monitor on the desk, Blue answers all three of them.

He'll be out when he gets out. He's serving his time for eating Clyde's brains and forcing those Mormons to be the active parts of dual gloryholes.

What about that riot he started at that jail?

Oh, I don't think he's in trouble for that. He's an XWF competitor, has a clause in his contract that's essentially a licence to just be crazy violent anytime, anywhere, and Shane's lawyers sure made sure that was enforced.

That's cool.

As Blue returns to her typing, a bright flash happens in the room, and the 80's phone booth time machine appears in the office. Out of it steps the Black Hand, Pest, Morbid Angel, and Robbie Bourbon, though they appear different. Morbid Angel is wearing two eye patches, Pest has a cybernetic arm, and Robbie is wearing a black mask.

Baby!

Robbie looks at Blue coolly.

Oh, hey.

Blue bolts from around the desk and hugs Robbie, who seems to be shocked by the embrace more than happy. The other Bourbon Men exchange looks of concern with each other.

Pest: Robert, tell that woman that she can not interfere in why we are here.

Morbid Angel turns and walks into the desk, banging his shin.

Look, I know you're excited to see me and all, but I'm from the year 2021.

Blue releases Robbie and takes a step back.

Thank you. Now, I am here to do something very specific, something that needed to be done because of the catastrophe of 2021.

Woah, you're here to save the future? I love when that happens in comics and movies!

Well, this is real.

Pest: Be more earnest with them, Robert.

Well, okay. There is no catastrophe. We just got bored one day and decided to come back to 2016 and challenge Frodo Smackins for his X-Treme Championship.

Why? Is it important?

Well, in the grand scheme of things, we've gone back in time and pinned Abe Lincoln for the NWA title in 1859, Morbid pinned Teddy Roosevelt, Pest pinned Hemmingway, we're just kinda bored.

Why is Morbid missing his eyes?

Oh, that happened in the big "Eye Gouged Destruction Match" in 2019. Morbid lost to Will U. Doomy and Will scooped his eyes out with a melon baller.

Will U. Doomy?

Nope. Besides, we all lost our penises in the great "Emasculation Elimination Battle Royale" of 2018.

What? No, no, who's Will U. Doomy?

Oh, he's a guy who doesn't debut until after this promo.

How'd you know this was a promo?

I'm from the future.

Wait, you have no dick?

No, of course I do. We all invested in super dicks, Peter Gilmour made a fortune and actually bought Mars and renamed it Suck My Dick!

Really? Mars is called Suck My Dick?

No, Donald Trump bought it out from him. It's not just Trump. Mercury, Venus, Earth, Trump, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto.

Oh.

Blue walks up to Robbie and whispers into his ear. Robbie frowns.

No. I will not show it to you. Go take a hike, seriously, you're a drag on me right now and I can't deal with you. I'm trying to win the X-Treme Title, and since my dumb ass is locked up right now, I'm the only Robbie Bourbon around to do this, and damn if I won't do this, now go take a cold shower or something, woman, I ain't got the time for this! Stop thinking of what's in my pants, you're becoming a hindrance, to you I say good riddance, to your fruitless womenly compliments.

Blue looks absolutely horrified at this. Her mouth quivers as she turns and runs out of the room.

Now, to the rest of you, we have work to do. Get me 20 of our best guys, we're going to ruin Frodo's day at Warfare.

D'ya hear me, little guy? I'm going to take you and shove you up an elephant's ass, then I'm going to tickle it's fucking trunk until it shits you out. Then I'm going to do it again, and again, and again, like it was 2018 all over again, and you will proudly stand up and tell the world that you are a turd, you are feces, you are a piece of shit and Robbie Goddamn Bourbon is the one who done it. Oh, that isn't to say you aren't a piece of shit already, no. I could sit and talk about your horrible little children, and boyo, their sex tape that they release in 2020 is probably the most downloaded porno in history, and the fact you've prepared your little girl for double vaginal, double anal, while constantly slurping on the heads of the dicks of homeless men that you brought in to show a good time, and she's just doing it to make you jealous and deprive you of that homeless cock. Your crying bukkake scene in the background was actually award winning, and you even won fluff boy of the year. Sure, the chlamydia deprived you of your 10 front teeth, but hey, you became the best blowjob on the god damned planet after that (you even wear a sash that says so on the regular along with a pink t-shirt that says "Daddy's Lil Cum Princess").

See, Frodo, I'm not coming to Warfare to pin you for that X-Treme championship because you're significant, or important, or have any kind of impact on the future whatsoever.

I'm pinning you at Warfare because I'm the one who will be known in history.

Robbie Goddamn Bourbon.

The People's Guy.

Now, to chimps that are facing Frodo in the tag match, and to Rebel Star, I say, well, tough shit. I'ma be the fucking champion, I'ma be in the driver's seat, and then I will solidify my place in history ahead of schedule. Do you think any of you little stains are known for anything in the year 2021? Not in the least. Rebel Star reveals herself to be some demonic dragonfucker ready to eat planets then kind of disappears in 2019, some scientists have tracked her entering the Kepler Verge. Jon Willis goes into the nursery business and has created a hybrid of marijuana with the bonzai tree and Marilyn Starr builds rustic seaside cottages in Sicily.

So don't waste my time.

Don't worry, don't fret.

I'm coming to get Frodo, not any of you anyhow.

So, I guess cat's out of the bag, but hey, what're you going to do anyhow?

We're the fucking Black Hand.

Robbie grins at the camera as Morbid Angel, his back turned to the camera, points at a wall and laughs. Pest lights a cigar. Then Morbid pulls out a Banjo, Pest starts to play a guitar, and Robbie pulls out a microphone and the three men perform their song (the one playing from Youtube at the top of the RP, you silly goose!)


Meanwhile

We see Robbie Bourbon in white collar prison. He's watching the promo on a TV in an office along with a man in a suit. As it ends, the man in the suit puts his hand on Robbie's shoulder.

Robbie, it looks like you've been framed.

...

Robbie, I understand you're upset, and as warden of this prison, I'm proud of the way you've handled yourself and your behavior. It's fairly evident to me that the man who did those horrible crimes was on the screen just now, not you.

...

Robbie is breathing heavily, and looks less than pleased.

I, well, I wasn't...

Shh. You were framed, Robbie. I just saw. I'm calling the governor immediately to get this rectified.

...

Robbie stands up and the warden sticks his hand out to shake Robbie's. Robbie returns the gesture and shakes the warden's hand.

So, you're a free man as far as I'm concerned, what're you going to...

That sumbitch made my baby cry.

Robbie walks over to the warden's desk, picks up the phone, and dials. After a moment, he speaks.

Hey, I'm on the way out.

You saw it too?

Get Morbid and meet me in London.