“Hello my name is Rog–”

“–Take a number and sit.”

In a triangular room’s corner, the woman behind a square window with a rectangular opening didn't even bother looking ‘round.

“…my name is Roger an–”

“Sir!”

She slams her pen down on her crossword.

“Take. A. Number. And. SIT.”

The woman points at a basket of laminated numbers.

With a nervous flitter, Roger takes one. The woman jots ‘MORON’ down.

Roger sits beside two crones, smiling with the warmth of a thousand puppy-cuddles.

“Hello lovely old ladies my name is Roger and I'm here to test my D-and-my-A and to also have a wee test of my best friend Jake Borden's D-and-I-guess-his-A to see if he's my daddy.”

“...Your daddy’s doing what with your D and his A?”

The other tuts at her friend.

“Not his real ‘daddy’, Glenda. It's a sex-thing.”

“Well, you'd know.” Glenda whispers to Roger. “She's here for a VD test.”

“Oh wonderful!” Roger maintains his booming speaking volume. “Is VD similar to D-and-A?”

“D… and… A. Do you mean DNA?”

“That's what I said!”

“...I don't think that's a sex-thing, Merryl.”

“It can be,” Merryl purred. “Where's your daddy?”

“He's right over there!”

The two observe Jake, wielding a large mallet, playing B.o.B. Whack-a-mole!

Featuring Bourbon and TK as whackable rodents!

With five unique catchphrases!

“T-t-two m-m-more than they have in r-r-real l-l-life!” Jake chirps, as he hammers TK Rodent’s skull.

“I only work when Bobby makes me...” Thwacked TK tells…

“Wow! You’re skilled at whacking moles-slash-varmints, Jake Borden!”

“It’s in the t-t-tiiiiii…”

Bobby Beaver emerges…

WHACK!

“...Steve Kerr Taekwondo gym…” Beaten Bobby bleats…

“TIMING!” Jake grins, as tickets spew out… “E-e-ever since I m-m-mistimed that j-j-jump to save you, R-R-Roger, I’ve been pr-pr-practicing t-t-timing!!”

Merryl licks her lips.

“Jake Borden, come meet my new friends! See, that's my daddy's name: Jake Borden. Unless he's not my daddy. See, I grew up thinking someone else was my daddy and that someone else would always make the best lasange in all of Central-West-foggy-London-north-of-the-Thames-but-south-of-Notting-Hill but my mummy magically gave birth to 25 Rogers and 25 Josephs, before turning into a thousand butterflies of course. So now I'm unsure if lasagne dad or Jake Borden is my real dad. So we're here for the aforementioned testing of Ds-and-As–”

“–DNA–”

“–Exactly. Either way I hope I can still eat yummy lasagne.”

“I know what I'd like to eat…”

Merryl rises as Jake reaches the group. Jake blushes as she circles him like a woodpecker upon a carpenter bee larvae.

“Jake Borden this is my friend Merlin and she might be a prostitute but also because of her name she might be a wizard too which is a fascinating combination.”

“Wanna see a magic trick?”

“You're something of a magician too, Jake Borden! Show her that trick where you found a coin behind my ear!”

Delightedly, Jake reaches into his pocket… Before sighing disappointedly.

“I l-lost m-m-m-my l-last c-coi-c-c… er, quarter playing c-claw-m-m-machine...”

He points at a machine full of bootleg BoB action figures, leftover stock from 5 years ago.

“Why is there a claw-machine at TESTS R US?”

“…I take other forms of payment…”

“Oh! D-d-do y-y-you take Wh-wh-whack-a-m-m-mole tickets? L-l-let’s c-c-combine for a b-b-better prize!” Jake replies, clueless regarding her innuendo…

“Maybe we could…  combine something else?”

Merryl (definitely not Merlin) traces her finger over Jake's shoulders.

“...Is it i-i-ideas on h-h-how to b-b-beat that cl-cl-claw-machine?”

Before Merryl can double-entendre ‘working Jake’s claw’, a masked doctor enters!

“Mr. Roger? Mr. Borden?”

“Th-th-that’s u-u-us! Nice to m-m-meetcha, Merryl!”

Jake runs off while Roger gives Glenda a kiss on the cheek but Merryl only has eyes for Jake so Roger, being a great partner and son from the past-but-also-the-future, simply waves Merryl goodbye.

The doctor leads the pair into a room… where an iron gate slams shut behind them!

Jake and Roger spin around, finding themselves trapped!

“You fucking idiots!”

They spin again dramtically

Post-spin, they wind up facing the ugly mugs of…WALLY WHISKEY AND TINGLE TOES! Last seen months ago, in the 1970s, their heads were exploding after witnessing horrors one should never wish upon their moralist enemies.

“Yes, it's us! The Brotherhood of Boilermakers! Ninja assassins, ninja-assassinating all Rogers and Josephs! …Also, part-time boilermakers.”

“Are you sure you’re sticking with that name? When we last battled, that nonsense gag probably didn't land that well compared to everything else…”

“Fuck you! We're not changing it!”

“We NEVER change!”

“Even when we're called on it!”

“ESPECIALLY when we're called on it!”

“Okay. Well, while you’re here, how much for a new boiler?”

“Cheapest one’ll run you 600 quid. Not including installation…”

“Wally! No distractions! We're not selling boilers right now! We're trapping these assholes so they can't stop us again!”

“S-s-stop you f-from w-w-what?”

“Going back in time to kill you when you’re fucking mummy Roger.”

“Didn't you already try that though?”

“And d-did-didn't your h-heads ex-ex-expl… er, b-b-blow up?”

“WE TOLD YOU WE'RE NOT CHANGING ANYTHING!”

“But what about that exploding head situation?”

“Time travel!”

Roger side-eyes Jake curiously. “Is that how that works?”

“...M-m-maybe if these g-g-guys are p-p-past v-ver-ver… younger than the o-ones we en-en-encou…er, m-met?”

“If we *were* younger than the last Us-es you met, we sure as hell aren’t anymore. Jesus CHRIST that took forever.”

“Find a doctor and fix your fucking voicebox.”

“We thought there would be doctors at TESTS R US…”

“It was all a scam, you ablest-slur!”

“Except the VD testing part.”

“Right, except that.”

“I went to medical school specifically for that.”

“Merryl?”

“That bitch should be dead with everything she's carrying.”

Roger patted Jake's back.

“Sorry, Dad.”

…Jake squints. “Wh-wh-what’s she c-c-carrying? T-t-tickets?”

“...Anywho…” Wally Whiskey tapped a switchboard!

Opening a time portal!

“See you later alligator!
In a while crocodile!”

Using his excellent rhyming skills, Wally bids our heroes goodbye.

“Smell ya later!” Tingle Toes follows.

Roger and Jake remain trapped in the room!

“Oh no! What shall we do?!”

“...Th-they left th-the p-p-portal op-pen.”

Roger's jaw drops at the Boilermakers’ stupidity.

“Well let's save you from getting murdered when making the sex with my mummy…again.”

Our heroes race through the portal!


“Hello past my name is Roger and–”

Jake stumbles over the portal’s edge, knocking over both himself and Roger…

Jake rubs his head…

“...Wh-wh-where are w-w-we?”

The walls are covered in Angels in the Outfield posters.

Also, many dead bodies, some fucked.

“Jake Borden, we are in the bedroom of that bitch Joseph Gordon-Levitt.”

Quote:“Woof! Woof! I’m Micheal Graves!”

“..Wh-wh-what’s that c-c-commotion?”

Jake and Roger peer outside…

Quote:Wally Whiskey immediately kicked Bark Flynn, sending him smashing through a window.

“..H-h-he kicked a h-h-hound-dog, you b-b-bast…er, nogoodnik!”

Quote:“Y-y-you k-kicked a h-h-hound-dog, you b-b-bast…er, nogoodnik!”

…Jake scratches his head.

“..I-i-is there an e-e-ech-echhh… er, reverberation?!”

“No, Present Jake Borden! You’re hearing Past Jake Borden. Those no-good boilermakers went back in time to stop themselves from not stopping us from stopping them! Quick, let-”

“Not so quick!”

Our heroes spin around!

Tingle Toes and Wally Whiskey both grip JGL’s necromancing-and-Hollywood-man-of-sex-ing staff!

“That isn’t yours, boilermakers! That staff belongs to a different evil bitch!”

“I don’t know how you escaped our trap…”

“...Y-y-you literally l-l-left your p-p-portal open…”

…Tingle whacks Wally’s skull…

Wally rubs his head… “...Steve Kerr Taekwondo gym…”

“Regardless! You’ll be HELPLESS to stop us when we turn you into my favorite thing! MONEY!”

Tingle wields the staff, like a man performing a leg-based DDT…

FWIZZ! A plasma bolt!

Our heroes dodge!

Quote:Tingle Toes aimed another pancake for Jake, when a plasma bolt shot from the same entryway that Bark Flynn had entered. It exploded the pancake into X-Bux. Tingle Toes dove to the ground, scooping those X-Bux.

“...H-h-hey! The p-p-past happened l-l-like it did b-b-before!”

“...Curses! You foiled us in the past’s present… But what about the past…-of-the-past!”

Wally Whiskey flipped a switch!

A portal opened up behind the Boilermakers!

“Catch you soon Daniel Boone!
In a few kangaroo!”

Using his adequate rhyming skills, Wally vamooses..

“...Losers!” Tingle Toes follows.

“..Q-q-quick, w-w-we’ve gotta f-f-f-folll…f-f-follo…-f-f-foll…!”

“Wally! Close the portal this time!”

Zwip. The portal shuts.

“...D-d-dagnabbit!” Jake snaps his fingers. “..A-a-after all that t-t-timing practice…”

Roger clasps Jake’s shoulder. “Don’t feel bad, Jake Borden! As your maybe-son and definitely-cherished-friend, I believe in you!”

…Jake beams.

“Speaking of time-ing, it’s of the essence-ing! We must visit the past-of-the-past to stop those Present Boilermakers from stopping Past Roger and Jake from stopping Past Boilermakers from killing Future Jake in the Past, Preventing the Birth of Present Roger, which is me, Hello!”

Roger waves at Jake.

“H-h-hello!” Jake waves at Roger. “B-b-but, how do we g-g-get to the p-p-past-of-the-p-p-p-past?”

“If that bitch Joseph Gordon-Levitt were here, he could take us back in time using necromancy, like he did before!”

Quote:“Can’t you use your necromancy to send us back in time?”

“Necrotemporal displacement magic is a risky gambit. I’ve only done it once before.”

“That’s it, Jake Borden! We’ll use my Past Half-brother’s past portal!!”

“W-w-wait! I-I-I remembe th-th-this part! Your h-h-half-br-br-brother doesn’t h-h-have to kill that N-n-nigerian fellow! My l-l-l-locker has a t-t-time p-p-por…er…”

Quote:“Use me. I only exist for that one joke about Niger and Nigeria that was said back in Roger’s bedroom.”

“A t-t-time p-p-por…er…taaa-”

BANG!

…

“You were saying, Jake Borden?”

“...*sigh*N-n-never mind….”

Past Jake and Roger dive into JGL’s time portal!

Present Jake and Roger follow!

Quote:“Look at these little lovebirds!”

Those Brotherhood of Boilermaker bastards! They found their way back into the past too!

“Huh? Do you make love to your Dad?”

“What? No. Shuddup! I never did that!”

Present Jake and Roger emerge!

“Perfectly timed, Jake Borden! Past Tingle Toes and Wally Whiskey are attacking Past Jake and Roger!”

“But, this time, we’re here!”

Roger and Jake spin around!

Tingle and Whiskey wield pancake-themed projectiles!

“You can’t get me, boilermakers! Also, six-hundred quid is a fair deal, can you do same-day installation?”

“Impossible, but we offer six months free maintenance on your uni-”

“Focus, Wally! We’re not gonna kill NOW him! But, in this timeline, Past Us missed Past Him!”

…

“Our projectiles collided, cancelling each other out? Do you remember any of this?!?”

“...I’d need my guy to do same-day installation, but he’s outta town…”

“*sigh*If we stop PAST US from missing PAST HIM, he’ll already be dead in the PRESENT!”

Tingle Toes hurls his pancake projectile at his past self’s projectile!

“Get scrubbed from the timestream, SCRUB!”

Wally Whiskey jostles a waffle from his pocket!

“Non-sequitur about lampshade covers!”

“N-n-no! D-d-don’t k-k-kill my past s-s-son!”

“Maybe-past-son, pending results of a D-and-also-A test.”

Jake’s eyes fill with determination!

“G-g-gotta time this j-j-juuuuuust right…”

Jake leaps toward the projectiles…

…

This time? He timed it correctly!

“Y-y-yes!”

…But Roger…

Pulls Jake out of the projectiles’ path!!

“N-n-no!”

The pair hit the dirt!

“R-R-Roger! By s-sav-..er, rescuing me, you d-d-doomed yourself!”

“Not at all! Look, Jake Borden!”

CLASH!

Whiskey’s waffle strikes Tingle Toes’s pancake!

Thus, neither set Past Tingle’s shuriken off-course…

From clattering against Past Whiskey’s batarang!

Jake’s astonished! “O-o-oh yeah! Th-th-these boilermakers’s only i-i-idea is d-d-doing the same thing! Wh-wh-why would th-th-that play out any d-d-different?”

“We’ve grown as a team while those boilermakers only try the same things!”

“...A-a-actually! Th-th-them trying the s-s-same things gives me an i-i-idea!”

Jake approaches Present Tingle Toes.

“H-h-hey! There’sf X-X-X-Bux in that w-w-window!”

“MONEY!”

Tingle Toes jogs up beside his past self, to the window…

To see old Jake ‘claw-machining’ Roger’s mom!

CRANIAL EXPLOSIONS!

“TIIIIINNNNNGLE TOOOOOEEEESSSS!”

Wally Whiskey weeps, cradling his now-headless assassin lifemate...

He peers in the window,  simultaneously with Past Whiskey.

Spotting Elder Borden “whacking” Roger’s mum’s “mole”…

“HE’S INSTALLING HIS UNIT IN HER!! SAME-DAY! AHHHHHHHH!”

CRANIAL EXPLOSIONS!

After defeating the Boilermakers again, Jake and Roger returned to the present and traded their tickets for a quarter, which Jake pulled from behind Merryl’s ear.

Afterwards, Merryl offered him head, but Jake replied…

“I-I-I already have a h-h-head!”

“Thank you for listening to our tale!”