... allow me to post it here because this is the most visible forum/

I have an entire 'podcast' planned and have had planned for sometime. I fear, because it's 'Easter' weekend, I'll be away with family this weekend and unable to record my 'podcast' - not to say I didn't start work on it.

I read - and I mean READ - word by word, sentence for sentence- every bit of what I have 'talking notes for.'

In a fear that I won't get the podcast up in a reasonable time, I'm gonna post my 'self made, textual notes' concerning each RP for the first couple of pages, of Gauntlet City.

As of now, I've made maybe about 40% of the RP's, critique-wise.

I wrote these notes as I read each RP - they were meant to be short hand to myself for the show, so I apologize in advance for grammar/other mistakes.

I am posting this only 'cuz I know if that I'd thrown myself into an XWF PPV, I'd like some feedback on my RP's, prior to the show.

From anyone.

Looking back, I don't even know or remember what I typed - they were free-association, short-hand notes!

Here they are, RP by RP, for as far as I got to... (exclusing ym own 'clients', fore I had something special planned for them....)


ROUGH CRITIQUES!

-"My Victory on Shove- it" John Madison

THOUGHTS: Laughe dout loud at the 'Fuck him(in reference to Duke), about him not getting a prostitute. John Black is made to be a caricature - hilarious. When I read Madison's writing, I have the voice of the Narrator to Winnie the Pooh in my head. So it's like a distinguished voice, spouting off all this insanity. "Because when John Madison takes a piss in Cyren's face and wins main events, the world rejoices. " - really funny. Some technical mistakes in this first RP. Very good, brief RP.



This revelation -- RP1-- MYSTERY

THOUGHTS: This RP is absolutely gorgeous. If you're an aspiring writer, in any venue, you can really learn a lot of things about this RP. It uses a very traditional set-up, there's nothing really innovative here, but it's executed flawlessly and with perfection. I hate that it's kind of a one-dimensional, completely through the eyes of the character, kind of piece, but it fits in with what he was trying to do here. To allow us to peer into the 'aggressive' nature of Mr. Mystery. It's powerful stuff - and although it's not groundbreaking, not every piece someone does, needs to be. Sometimes you can take a very 'ordinary set up' and infuse it with a slowly-building adrenaline push - Mr. Mystery does that. Well done. "These Hands..." My only remark would be that, certain aspects of the character can get overly-familiar and confused with a large pool of other fictional characters - you do need a seperate identity and niche built out for your character - but I don't think that'll be an issue.

As Time Goes By -- Shocker --

I like the presentation but it could use some work. I've a huge proponent of not coloring in entire lines of dialogue or text - it creates a confusing sense of being pulled out of an RP - For isntance, I like how only character's speaking names are colored and their actual dialogue left in a flush, continuous tone with the rest of the RP.

I do have a bit of a gripe with the beginning of this RP - because it sort of brings you out of the 'realm of disbelief' by the inner monologue, stating something to the effect, that his inner monologue 'rambles.' It also doesn't really have a clear transition from 'inner thought' to 'action.' It literally shoots off to action from the thought process, which can be a burden to the reading process. Don't try to intentionally dampen your own work - or to remove people from a 'steady, ryhtmic' experience.

Overall, it's a solid-enough 'introductery' piece to Gauntlet City but it lacks any kind of dimension. Yea, we have a guy come out to a ring in very e-fed classic style, and say he's gonna be a badass- but why? And how? We need more background for his words to reverborate with more credibility.

In the end, I know 'intro' pieces are hard and I see that Shocker has all the tools he needs to be successful - he just needs to work on tempo, grammatical errors, pacing and setting up a proper 'story.' When you're writing, you have to read it and say - "Is this something I can see happening on TV?'
Shocker, I'm not trashing ya, you just need to focus a bit more.

He's baaaaaaaaaack! Shit's about to get NUTS! RP2 - MYSTERY))

Okay, I like this RP. Again, it's a very, very solid piece, except it's still experiencing the issues from the first one - it's a bit one-dimensional. We have a lot of 'first person narrative', but not a lot of 'action' or 'circumstance.' Still, it's executed neatly but I'm hoping future offerings have more substance. I like the 'snarky aggresiveness', as I've come to coin Mystery as, in which he displays by teasing Feder and then 'peekaboo', here's his face. I do like that.


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The Story Continues - Gauntlet City -- Chris MacBeth

First impression from the opening line? There are some technical and structural errors here but nothing insurmountable - keep an eye pelled for proper placement of commas and when to end sentences.

Overall, the 'tone' of the RP comes across pretty well - it paints Macbeth as a 'ring general', paranoid to trust others and intuiting that the other 'Trio Teams' will be plagued by the same issues. Now, there are structural and grammatical mistakes in abundance, but taken into account, they're not overwhelming to the piece - those mistakes do need to be corrected in the future because they can become a liability but overall, we get a nice insight into Macbeth's mindset as well as see what he's like, 'outside of the ring.' As a message, it works. As a piece of writing, it needs to be polished a bit more.


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Black's Dairies: Meeting Candybox [X-Terme Title RP 1]

The writing is good, the presentation is sold, and JB has come miles from where he was. There are still some grammatical issues and the dialogue between 'Candybox' and Black, whilst spirited and motivated, needs a bit of work to feel more organic. I love the contunity between Madison and Black in their RP's, though. Big props. There's a short bit of 'trash talk' at the end which is succinct and impassioned but could have been fleshed out a bit more. Nothing really destroys the experience of the RP, and in that endeavor, it's successful. It's good but it can be better because Black has the aptitude to be better.



Injustice (UFO) The Senator

I like his opening setup, his use of onomonopea. He also suffers through from a presentation flaw - for myself, it's hard to read the 'blue' text for somereason and overall, coloring in entire lines of dialogue again can disturb your sense of rythmn and flow. I think an alternate presentation and layout will do wonders for the Senator. He really does solidify his 'gimmick' in his conversation about 'merica' - or perhans not 'gimmick' but maybe a presiding aspect of the character... it's a solid piece, well written but it still has structural, gramamtical errors that can be righted. As an entertainment piece, it works. It's a good insight through exposition that he is a solid character.

Hey NAZI! Pick me up some flowers for Lexi's funeral tonight. (King/Trio) John Madison

Again, this is structurally flawless as I can see and I like the highlighted '3x harder' dig that's within. At first, I was concerned because a disproportionate amount of time and energy was spent on Sheckler, whose a non-factor -- but then bang, like a shotgun, we're interupted and brought to earth with a dig at 'Flo', which ties things up nicely. A funny, well-written piece. This is the 'bar in XWF' that everyone should aspire to reach. I have to say, so far Madison is much more determined, focusing in on 'Feder' then approaching the Gauntlet as a broader threat- in retrospect, he might be right to do so. So far, he's getting more digs on Mystery/Feder then are being returned.

FTW Title -- Michael Hall

I... I don't mean to be insulting here, I really don't. But... is English your native language, Hall? This RP is all over the place, it's so jumbled, I have no idea what to make of it. I really don't mean that as an offense, I actually am confused.

On the links. ---- The Senator

This is a much better piece. The writing is more cohesive, it's got more of a flow. It still has a god-awful presentation though, which really, really hurts it. Senator is a case of an 'easy fix.' He's got the core principles and skills, he just needs to simplify his work and make it more easy to read and enjoy. Props on 'Gilbert Grape' references.

Sid Feder's personal gift to John Madison. ETA=Gauntlet City -- RP3 MYSTERY--

I like Sid pointing out the ridiculousness of talking about 'The Black Circle', emphasis on 'THE', which is funny. I like the 'mirror' setup between Sid and Mystery. Throughout the RP he unloads on Madison and teases the relationship between Feder and Mystery further... very well done.

Dear Donathan -- RP4 (huge story breakthrough)

Here is a story section with I agree, good music. Mystery reveals himself as Feder, that he loved Donathan and that he's enlightened now. Powerful stuff, it really is. Feder at this point, is running away with this Gauntlet City.


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Don't be a Douchebag - UNKNOWN SOLDIER

Sex equals money? I love these characters. I love the stories - I have but a small gripe concerning structure, pacing and the layout of his RP. It seems a bit... scattered... Some of the points he touches on, I think he sticks on for too long. And whilst I like the comedy he has in the RP, which is rampant in a 'black' sort of way, it's an RP at odds with itself. Unknown Soldier, the comical 'darkness' that is ready to feast on souls, yet this RP could easily be done by another picbase. I like to see a picbase as an ultimate form of 'character witness' to the character - sometimes I can't see Per Ohlin doing some of these things... it's a minor gripe but in the end... this is an Unknown Soldier RP - it's Grade A.

Haven't RP'd yet. Which is a major shame, and I feel bad for it. About to make a thread about it, but it WILL HAPPEN no matter what I have to do. I know this is a point I REALLY should have RP'd by, and I know it's far too late to go for the open matches. Not even sure what's up with the stable title match... Anyway, I'll just go post my thread.

How come all the weird kinky stuff in the world reminds you people of me!?

I always try and picture the 'Per Ohlin' pic base outside the ring as more of his "Off Stage" look which serves as more of his out of ring attire like this.







As opposed to when he's "In the Ring" as Soldier or "On Stage" acting out the 'Dead Character.

So far, so good. Should be another good podcast when you get it completed.

Good stuff. It's a brutal task going through and trying to compare people's work and setting a standard for what separates a good RP from a really good RP. So my hats off to you for actually putting something like this together.

This is definitely the most stacked card I've ever seen. I'm having a blast though. I hope we can continue to deliver this quality of PPV in the future.