A series of images of the interior of a luxury spa scroll by, as a calm even male voice intones invitingly.



Have you ever fantasized about walking into the lap of luxury, and coming out as a BRAND NEW YOU?

Well, at NEW/YOU Spas and Resorts, that's not just some hollow claim.



In fact, we're revolutionizing the very idea of revitalization and remaking the human spirit. NEW/YOU isn't just a slogan. With us, it's just a fact.

The shot transitions once again, and this time we see Madison Dyson walking through a stately courtyard. She is wearing a plush white robe and her dreadlocked hair is pulled into a large bun. All in all, she kind of looks like some kind of New Age guru.

Holding one hand in the air, palm out in a sign of peace, she nods her head. Namaste! And welcome to NEW/YOU. I am Madison Dyson. You may know me from my prolific commentary on Fox News, or you may have seen me on the XWF. But today, you're going to see a whole new side of yours truly: the Healer.

Somewhere in the background comes the sound of bells jingling gently, creating a pleasing sound like water falling. She starts to walk forward slowly, gesturing for the camera to sidle up beside her as she continues to speak.

Here at NEW/YOU, we are doing something that has NEVER been done before. We're taking the very concept of turning yourself into a new you and making it quite literal. Because not only can you come here to be pleased and pampered, but you can walk out of here as a WHOLE NEW RACE.

Wut?

Yes, you heard me correctly! Because God (and Elon Musk) have granted me the miraculous ability to turn anyone Caucasian! ANYONE! Madison chuckles. The procedure is quick, completely painless, and best of all....permanent. No need for scalpels or bleaching or expensive, invasive procedures like that.

Don't believe me? Just ask one of our satisfied customers.



QUANQUISHA DOUGLAS

Believe it or not, I used to be black! But with the help of Madison Dyson and NEW/YOU, my life was changed forever. Now, I don't get the stink eye when I walk into trendy coffee shops and I can actually talk my way out of a traffic ticket! Thanks, Madison!

We cut back to Madison, who has just stepped up to the edge of a pristine outdoor pool. Boy, isn't that just great! Way to go, Quanquisha, so glad things are working out for you. Now, you might be thinking, “Boy I sure would love to be a real American, but it's probably really expensive!” Well....it is! But! We do have sliding scale pricing based on what kind of white person you want to be. Check out this handy chart!

The following graphic appears on screen next to Madison.

NEW/YOU Pricing Tiers RICH WHITE AMERICAN: Double Platinum Tier GERMAN: Platinum Tier BRITISH: Gold Tier FRENCH: Silver Tier ITALIAN: Bronze Tier POLISH: Meh Tier SCOTTISH: Ehhhhh Tier IRISH: Garbage Tier SLAV: Shit Tier

As you can see, we have MULTIPLE price points if you're willing to be a wee bit flexible about the quality of your genetic purity. Rest assured though, we do have a plan that fits your needs.

Madison casts off the white robe she's wearing, revealing a white sequined bikini beneath. She goes to the stairs and starts wading into the pool, where a Hispanic Woman is already waiting in the center of the pool. Madison walks up to her and tries on a semblance of a warm inviting smile but instead it just looked vaguely creepy. Are you ready for a new you?

The Hispanic woman nods. Oh yes! Please make me normal!

Ma'am, I guarantee you will never have to deal with INS ever again! Madison takes hold of the woman and slowly lowers her into the water in a blasphemous display that mirrors a baptism. Hold your breath! Madison dunks the woman under. HEALED! She lifts the woman back up, and she's still Hispanic. The woman gasps and blows some water out of her nose before Madison puts her under again. HEALED! Madison brings her up again and then dunks her once more with a flourish. HEALLLL-DAH! She intones like a Southern Evangelical preacher. The woman bobs above the water one last time, and she now looks pasty white!

Madison snaps her fingers at an attendant, who tosses her a small mirror. Madison holds the mirror up to the woman's face. The woman gasps and brings her hands to her mouth, clearly overcome with joy! Ohhhh! Thank you! GRACIAS! DIOS MIO!

Whooooaaaa...heh, no more of that, deal? This is America!

Cowed, the woman nods her head frantically and starts to back out of the pool blowing kisses at Madison and sobbing tears of joy.

LATER....

Madison, once again fully clothed, steps into a stony dimly lit chamber. It's clearly a world apart from the opulence of the rest of the facility, not meant for the public eye. The shot follows her over her shoulder and we see a futuristic looking display stand with a bluish force field enveloping it. The box spins slightly in the force field, held aloft by gravimetric forces (I don't know what that words means, honestly, it just sounds cool).

Coming from an opposite entrance is Shane , who is synching the sash closed on his own white robe. Madison notices straightaway however that the robe is a couple sizes two small, resulting in Shane's dick tip and part of his ball sack being exposed past the hem.

Oh, Jesus, Shane! Madison throws a hand up and recoils.

“Jesus Shane”? Hmmmm...yes, I like the sound of that. He muses, rubbing his chin. Shit, it's cold in here. Let's make this quick.

Madison makes it a point to avoid keeping Shane's junk in her field of vision as he reaches into the force field and plucks out the strange cube. Now that we have a better look at it, we see that it's inlaid with gold and silver, with a slew of blinking lights on all sides. Most telling however, is that on each side of the cube is a big light bearing a racial slur. These lights are not lit. Alright, do it to it! Shane holds the cube aloft and Madison sticks an arm out, hand open.

Can't wait to unload all this non-white shit. Makes my skin crawl. Seeming to focus now, Madison stares at the cube and soon, a murky energy seems to seep out from her finger tips. Shane presses a big red button on the cube and it starts to make a vacuum like noise and the cube starts to suck the energy filtering from Madison's fingers towards it. The lights on the cube blink faster and faster as it siphons the strange energy, until finally it appears to have had it's fill and starts to smoke slightly.

Ouch, damn it! Shane curses and drops the device. Then, looking down at it as it continues to smoke, he notices one of the big lights emblazoned with a racist word is now lit. Hey, look at that! It's full up on “Beaner” now!

Hot damn! DRW's lawns are gonna look pristine!

Oh Maddy, don't think so narrowly! This is going to revolutionize how we fight wars! He picks the cube up gingerly, blowing some of the smoke off of it. Think about it, all those different races mixed up as a sort of ethnic slurry! All those racial traits combined and recombined into the perfect fighting machine with all strengths and no weaknesses.

Heh, yeah....wait.... Madison quirks an eyebrow at Shane. But that thing won't have any essence of white people in it. How are you could to create a super soldier without white people?!

Because we want warriors, Madison, not flabby mediocre insecure Trump voters!

FUCK YOU! Madison flips him off and Shane laughs in response, leaning back and inadvertently exposing even more of his penis. GAH!

I got to get this back to the lab. Chinamen to the front of the line, if you please, we are dangerously low on them.

Uggghhhh, that's hard. Orientals aren't exactly noted for having difficulty adjusting to their own skin.

Two words, Maddy....BIGGER. DICKS.

That....is not a bad idea!

Shane nods and turns to leave, granting Madison a full view of the bottom quarter of his ass cheeks.

Madison turns to the camera with a vicious smile. You know what that means....IT'S PROMO TIME! She looks as giddy as a child psychopath severing it's first kitten spinal cord. Soooooo, March Madness, huh? Boy oh boy.

We all know what the result was of last year's March Madness. A tragic arena fire occurred during the finals and the last remaining participants died horribly choking on their own blackened skin. Over 25,000 fans also died in what will go down in history as the worst structural fire related mass casualty event EVER. The XWF is still paying out on the lawsuits and the only way the company hasn't gone under is thanks to Roxy Cotton's lucrative online pussy flashing business.

Madison looks at the camera strangely. What?! You don't believe me?! Oh, so you'd rather believe that last year's March Madness was won by an obnoxious carpet bagging albino who swooped in here to film a year long commercial for her home fed and then left coincidentally around the same time that the vaunted win-loss record she couldn't stop autistically screeching about started to see-saw the other way? Because that seems like it kinda sucks!

She gestures to herself. Enter: MOI! She smiles satisfactorily. Yeah, bitches, this time it's HOME TOWN HERO all the way! As an XWF alum since 2017 I have EARNED my place in this tournament....and my eventual WIN in this tournament.

Oh, I'm sorry? Are you taking issue with that statement? Because you know who isn't? VEGAS, BABY!

BIG D To advance to Round 2: 1/16 To advance to Semi-Finals: 1/8 To win: 4/1 GERI MILLER To advance to Round 2: 1/10 To advance to Semi-Finals: 2/1 To win: 8/1 JIM JIMSON To advance to Round 2: 1/1 To advance to Semi-Finals: 5/1 To win: 20/1 THE CALVARY To advance to Round 2: 1/6 To advance to Semi-Finals: 1/4 To win: 4/1 FINN KUHN To advance to Round 2: 2/1 To advance to Semi-Finals: 6/1 To win: 16/1 PHANTOM PANZER To advance to Round 2: 1/1 To advance to Semi-Finals: 10/1 To win: 20/1 THUNDER KNUCKLES To advance to Round 2: 1/8 To advance to Semi-Finals: 1/2 To win: 8/1 MASTERMIND To advance to Round 2: 1/10 To advance to Semi-Finals: 1/3 To win: 8/1 ATARA THEMIS To advance to Round 2: 1/2 To advance to Semi-Finals: 4/1 To win: 6/1 ******MADISON DYSON*********** To advance to Round 2: 1/6 (HOLY FUCK....) To advance to Semi-Finals: ¼ (....LOOK AT.....) To win: 4/1 (…..THOSE ODDS!) KIERAN OVERTON To advance to Round 2: 2/1 To advance to Semi-Finals: 8/1 To win: 12/1 HANARI CARNES To advance to Round 2: 1/8 To advance to Semi-Finals: 1/2 To win: 8/1 RED-X To advance to Round 2: 10/1 To advance to Semi-Finals: 20/1 To win: 100/1 BARNEY GREEN To advance to Round 2: 6/1 To advance to Semi-Finals: 12/1 To win: 50/1 BORIS To advance to Round 2: 2/1 To advance to Semi-Finals: 8/1 To win: 20/1

AHHHHH HAHAHAHAHA! I'm the odds on FAVORITE! Fuck all of you! Like, seriously, the only other ones that have my odds to win are The Calvary, who I JUST BEAT, and BIG FUCKING LOL.

What a goddamn cake walk! Did you booze away your kid's college fund? Let it ride on me! Get scammed by a Nigerian Prince? I'm your gal! Need that clutch bail money? That's all me and then some!

I am the surest bet in this tournament. Put your goddam hands down. Sit down and shut the fuck up. And, as if I need to conclude this decadent dessert with a cheery on top, who do I draw as my first round opponent?

BORIS!

Who, shockingly enough, is on minute 16 of his zany XWF comic relief time limit. So tell me Boris, how do you plan to get this done? Hmmm? Because the way I see it, with your mayonnaise induced threat of congestive heart failure, end stage renal failure from all that drinking, and history of poverty for want of being born in a REAL country, it'll probably be a small miracle you even make it to the ring much less win this thing.

Slav King my ass. That's like crowning yourself Ruler of Turd Mountain by dumping a bucket full of runny shits on your scalp. You will never, NEVER, get your filthy backwater mitts on this March Madness crown. Never! Hell, you'd probably just pawn the thing for another shot of Slavic Gold and then stumble into some gutter as your pants fill with your own bloody piss.

See, and this is the point I'm trying to make. This crown needs PURE, UNDILUTED, ARYAN BLOOD to represent it. Not whatever brain damaged powdered recessive gene mutant held it last year and sure as shit not a representative of Europe's own 49,000 square mile trailer park.

In 2020, this crown shall sit atop a proud head! A pure head! MY HEAD! She points at her dome piece. So all you shits better brush up on the opening tune to Triumph of the Will, because anybody that's not humming along during my coronation is definitely going in the book!

Trump's camps aren't gonna fill themselves.

Later, drink-drink.

Madison walks off camera as the shot slides over to the exit Shane used, revealing that he never quite left and was lurking in the passageway the whole time. He seems to be giggling manically to himself as he looks at something on his MAJESTIC AS FUCK Escobar, Inc. Fold-2.

Oh, man, Madison would lose her MIND if she found out!

The shot cuts to just over Shane's shoulder as we see that he appears to be looking at the results of some genetic testing. Naturally, it's Madison's. And, amidst the slew of racial percentages making up Madison's genome, your eyes lock straight away on one in particular.

13.2% SLAVIC

Shane continues to laugh uproariously as he shuts his phone and walks down the corridor, allowing you one final look at his impeccable ass in motion.