“Earlier we… spoke to “Cavortin’”” Jake Borden. Let’s… *sigh*.”

‘Always Composed’ Pete Rose pinches his nose exasperatedly.

“Just roll it.”

---

“Jake! You’re riding a two-match win streak! With a spot in the Bashmaster Classic on the line, how do you plan to handle At-…?”

Jake suddenly dips to the floor…

And comes back with… posters? He lifts one over his chest.

Hey Pete!

…Rose blinks.

“…Jake, why do you have a bunch of posters?”

…Jake flips to the next poster.

I bet you’re wondering why I have a bunch of posters

“...Correct.”

You might’ve noticed I’ve had “speech difficulties” in our prior interviews!

Pete sighs, looking up from Jake’s cards.

“...Jake, let’s assume I can perceive the OBVIOUS, so… Yes, Jake! I’ve noticed you couldn’t navigate ONE SENTENCE if you had a crossing guard helping you!”

…Jake scratches his head, flipping to the next card.

How would a crossing guard help someone speak?

Rose squints. “How did you know I w-... IT’S FIGURATIVE!” Rose smacks the poster outta Jake’s hand!

Jake’s next card reads…

Ohhhhhh, I understand! Cuz one with speech challenges can’t get THROUGH a sentence… And you use a crossing guard to get THROUGH a crosswalk!

Jake looks down… And then nods his eyes widening with comprehension, likef the poster HE wrote helped him understand Rose’s insult.

Jake smiles, flipping to the next card!

Clever, Mister Rose!

Rose takes a deep breath. “Jake, just… GET TO THE POINT.”

Jake nods, flipping…

My point is… this year’s wrapping up.

Flip.

The New Year’s about trying new things! Turning over new leaves!

Flip.

So, I prepared something that expresses *exactly* how I feel going into my match with Miss Raven!

“Great. Is it a promo? Can we just do the promo now?”

Flip.

It’s not a promo.

Flip.

It’s a play.

…

“A play?”

Flip.

A play.

“You wrote a play?”

Jake drops his posterboards and retrieves from his silver jacket…

A flyer!

JAKE BORDEN AND THE PS 118 JUNIOR VARSITY CHOIR CLASS OF 1974 PRESENT… JAKEY THE STUTTERIN’ WRESTLER!

"Junior Varsity?"

Jake blushes, scooping a poster off the ground.

I couldn't afford the Varsity Choir's booking fee.

…

“Jake. There’s not a WORLD where I’m attending your play."

---

“There wasn’t a WORLD where I was attending Borden’s play.”

…

“Until Peter Principle told me, as an XWF correspondent, I'm contractually obliged to cover XWF events… And this play technically qualifies, so…”

…Siiiiiiiiiiigh.

“We go now to…. Jake’s… play.”

---

Cut to an elementary school gymnasium.

‘Always Composed’ Pete Rose sidesteps through rows of aluminum folding chars, as excited parents ask each other which child is theirs…

The happiest, pluckiest third-grade choir stands on risers.

Stage Right: The most elementary-music-school-teacher woman you could imagine. Her attire includes a knitted scarf with musical notes on it, mom jeans, and a t-shirt that reads “Music Teachers Only REST when the sheet tells them to!”

…The shirt’s back reads.

“I haven’t taken vacation in 24 years.”

The music teacher sits down before a piano…

The gym’s chatter hushes… As Jake Borden approaches a microphone at center-stage…

”H-hell…er, uh… hey e-e-everybody!”

…Silence.

”Er…” Jake scratches his head. ”This pla-er… musical was wr-...uh, composed, I-mean, by me! A-a-about my dream of m-m-meeting th-the Gr-gr-greatest of All-Time… even in MY t-t-time… James Raven!”

The crowd applauds! This assortment of elementary school parents love the GOAT.

”I i-i-invited him h-here t-tonight!”

Borden nods to the techie children who spotlight…

…Two empty front-row seats.

One has a sign taped to it which reads…

JAMES RAVEN

The chair beside it reads…

ATARA RAVEN JAMES RAVEN’S CURRENT WIFE JAMES RAVEN PLUS-ONE

Jake sweats.

”U-u-uh… m-m-maybe he’s r-r-running late!!”

”GET ON WITH IT!”

”R-r-right! Pr-presenting… J-j-jakey the St-st-stutterin’ Wr-wr-wr-estler! St-starring me as… er, myself! And my b-b-best pal, N–N-Nikola Smacksya has been w-w-watching pr-pr-promos all-day to play M-m-mister Raven!”

Jake nods at the pianist!

A familiar tune begins!


The children sing!

Quote:Jakey the Stutterin’ Wrestler (Wrestler!)
Had a Speech Impediment (Like a Stammer!)

And when he would cut a promo (Promo!)
Crowds couldn’t get what he meant! (Say whaaaaaa?)

All of the other wrestlers
Used to mock his stage presence (BOO! HISS!)
They’d all say “Fire Jakey!”
To XWF’s road agents! (Like Centurion!)

Then, one special An-ar-chy
James Raven came to saaaaaaaaay…

BOOOOOOM!

SUDDENLY, A MAN WITH A BEERBELLY AND A JAMES RAVEN MAGAZINE CUT-OUT TAPED TO HIS FACE DRUNKENLY STUMBLES ONSTAGE!

”I’D RATHER BE WITH MY WIIIIIIIIIIIFE!”

The children’s choir screams terrified, scattering off stage to their parents!

”WHY’D I AGREE TO THIIIIIIIIS!?!” The boozy creature howls, swinging fists wildly!

The music teacher changes sheets cluelessly as parents console their horrified kids!

Off-stage, Jake watches perplexedly!

Rose jogs up to him!

”Jake! The Hell’s going on? Smacksya’s DRUNK and SCREAMING about how he’d rather be anywhere else! I thought you sent him James Raven promos!”

”I-I-I did! I sh-sh-showed him R-R-Raven’s T-T-Tara Fenix Cr-cr-cruise promo… And his pr-pr-promo for W-W-WarGames! His r-r-recent work!”

”...Oh, he’s playing recent James Raven?.”

”I TOOK THIS GIG FOR THE MARGARITA BAR AT CATERIIIIIIIIIIING”

…

”Spot-on, then.”

”WHY DO I STILL DO THIIIIIIIIIIIIIS?!?”

“Raven” kicks over the risers, loudly toppling to the ground!

”Do something, Jake!”

”Er…”

Jake looks down, checking his script…

Nods!

And charges onto the stage!

“Raven” spots Borden, then flaps his arms!

“FLIGHT OF THE RAVEEEEEEEEEEEN!”

“Raven” bounds across the stage toward Borden!

…Borden leans backward…

Catches “Raven” by the neck…

And MONKEY-FLIPS him up-and-over!

STRAIGHT INTO THE PIANO! The teacher gets bowled over! The baby grande is CRUSHED into broken slats under “Raven”’s weight!

…

From center-stage, Jake clears his throat.

”J-j-jakey the st-stutterin’ wr-wr-wrestler!
You’ll go d-d-down in h-histo…the record books!”

Jake leans on bent knee with jazz-hands, like this is the show’s big finish!

…

The parents all nervously mumble to each other, holding their weeping kids to their chests.

…

Rose rubs his temples, behind Jake on-stage.

”Next time, Borden?”

“Just cut a goddamn promo.”