“Earlier we… spoke to “Cavortin’”” Jake Borden.”

“Let’s go now to that interview!”

---

”Jake, you’re facing Lucy Wylde for the Television Title! Do you feel nervous?”

”...Yip!” Jake dry-swallows. ”I-I-I’ve had some pretty s-s-stiff challenges in my c-c-career! But, Lucy W-W-Wylde? F-F-Former UGWC W-W-World champion? I’m gonna have to f-f-fight harder than I’ve ever f-f-fought before to win!”

”Snrk.”

…

”Wh-wh-what was that?”

”...I mean. C’mon, Jake.” Rose snorts. ”YOU? Beating Lucy Wylde?” Rose has to let out a cackle.

”...I mean… L-L-Lucy’s a legend, but I c-c-c-”

”Pfff.”

”...With tr-tr-training an pr-pr-preparation, I could m-m-maybe w-”

”HAHAHAHAHA.” Rose full-on doubles-over laughing.

…

Jake’s bottom lip puckers.

---

LATER IN THE 1970s

”I d-d-don’t know what M-M-Mister Rose’s deal was, N-N-Nikola!” Jake stammers, frustrated. ”He a-a-acted like I have n-n-no chance this w-w-week!”

Fellow 1970s wrestler-slash-mad-scientist Nikola Smackya eyes Jake. ”And who’s your opponent?”

”Lucy Wylde!”

…

”It only now dawns on me that I wouldn’t have heard of her, as I am from the 1970s.”

---

SEVERAL DAYS LATER IN PRESENT DAY!

Borden clicks stop on his remote, he and Nikola having just finished watching all of Lucy Wylde’s greatest matches on the UGWC Network.

”Okay. Yeah, she’s very good.”

”...Yeah, sure! I m-m-mean, she’s the T-T-Television champion an-”

”Wait, there you go.” Nikola snaps his fingers. ”THAT’s why Rose was laughing at you.”

”Because the idea of you beating a champion is laughable.”

Nikola sneers angrily. ”You could have told me that and we could have saved ourselves a LOT of John Blade on UGWC!”

…

Jake frowns. ”I-I-I mean… I could beat a ch-ch-champion! I b-b-beat B-B-Bobby B-B-Bourbon! Twice!”

…

”Again, I don’t know who that is.”

---

LATER IN THE PRESENT DAY WITH THE MAGIC OF STREAMING SERVICE

Jake and Nikola finish binge-watching every single Bobby Bourbon match.

”Okay, now I know who Bobby Bourbon is.”

”W-w-well, I beat him!” Borden points at the screen! ”W-w-we just watched it! At the e-e-end there!”

”Only in tag matches, Jake! Plus, Bobby’s a showman. He’d put on a five star classic with a recently-expired faberge egg from the Romanav family, just to prove that he could.”

”It’s honestly more impressive HE got a decent match out of you, than you beat him.”

…Jake scratches his head. ”...I a-a-also beat Thunder Knuckles!”

”...Zero idea who that is.”

Jake reaches for the remo-

”STOP THAT.” Nikola smacks the remote out of Jake’s hands. ”How is watching all this television going to prepare you for your match with Lucy Wylde!?!”

”...W-w-well, it is for the T-T-Television Title!”

”...Oh. In that case, you should watch more television. In fact…”

Nikola slips out to the other room…

…

……

He wheels back in.

A giant raygun!

”Wh-wh-whoa! What’s that?”

”My latest invention! This device will transport you INTO the television! The best way to beat the Television champion? Is to master EVERY CHANNEL OF TELEVISION!”

”...W-w-wait, the match isn’t a-a-actually t-t-television-themed, it’s just f-f-fifteen m-”

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH

Nikola activates his ray-gun!

”C-c-can’t I just do p-p-push-uuuuuuuuuuuuups!”

Jake is transported from his corporeal body into a system of light waves…

AND PROJECTED INTO THE TELEVISION!

---

Olivia Benson walks into questioning, with a file.

”Alright, perp. start talking.”

She dumps it on the desk before…

“Cavortin’” Jake Borden!

”D-d-detective! I d-d-didn’t d-d-do it! I s-s-swear!”

…

”Er, wh-wh-whatever it is! I-I-I’ve never committed a cr-cr-crime! I once th-th-thought about j-j-jaywalking and my M-M-Meemaw had a heart a-a-attack!”

---

MEANWHILE AT AN ELDERLY CARE FACILITY IN THE 1970S

”Aww, that’s so nice. Jakey’s on his future television he gave me…”

”Oh yeah? Would you be willing to provide a semen sample?”

Meemaw clutches at her heart, shocked!

---

”The Champion Killer is out there running free! And YOU’RE a suspect!”

”But I didn’t k-k-kill any… *ahem* you s-s-said ‘champion killer’?”

”This sick FUCK’s MO is… he goes around defeating wrestling champions in their prime!”

”...O-o-oh, really?” Jake suddenly blushes, with a little pride.

Suddenly, Stabler walks in.

”Liv, can I talk to you outside?”

Benson and Stabler both vacate the questioning room…

Jake stands up, smugly proud that he’s suspected of defeating so many champions.

”He’s not our guy.”

Jake’s ears perk.

”...Scuze m-m-me?”

”Killer struck again. This time, twin tag-team champions in Central Park.”

”That bastard.” Liv sighs. ”Y’know, I had a gut feeling this guy wasn’t our perp from the get-go. Not because of the murders, he definitely seems that type. He’s just not championship-beating material.”

”Y-Y-Y’know, I can h-h-hear you both.” From inside the questioning room, Jake taps on the inside of the glass. ”If this is s-s-supposed to be s-s-sound-proof, it’s n-n-not!”

”Well, what do we do with this guy then?” Liv nods toward Jake in the room.

”Cut him loose. Honestly, his part’s so small, I don’t even think he’ll be in the wikipedia page for this episode.”

---

ME AND MY DAD WHO IS ALSO MY AGE HELLO MY NAME IS ROGER AND THIS IS A SITCOM FEATURING JAKE BORDEN AND ALSO ME ROGER HELLO

We see a collection of scenes of Roger and Jake.

They play catch with a baseball and glove… Except Jake accidentally throws the glove and is left holding the ball.

The two walk into a grocery store and Roger starts slinging oranges over his shoulder into the air…

Jake has a paper bag.

…And somehow misses every single one!

THEME SONG OVER!

Jake wanders onto a soundstage designed to look like a kitchen.

”W-w-well, h-h-hello!”

…

Jake looks around.

There’s no one in the kitchen.

Jake scratches his head.

Suddenly, Roger comes in!

THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE FROM THE STUDIO AUDIENCE!

Jake scratches his head.

”W-w-wait, we have a s-s-studio audience now?”

”Hello my name is Roger and you are Jake Borden my father, Hello!”

The crowd actually says it along with Roger like its his catchphrase before laughing hysterically and bursting into applause again.

”H-h-hey, Roger!”

…Once again, the studio audience is silent.

”...W-w-well.” Jake scratches his head again. ”M-m-maybe they’re w-w-waiting for j-j-jokes…”
Suddenly, a street-tough kid with a heart of gold and a skateboard comes in from the set’s backyard!

”Hey Roger and Jake!”

The crowd bursts into applause again! Fans wearing t-shirts with this kid’s face on it, that read in comic sans ‘Hey Roger and Jake’!

”If it isn’t our neighborhood rascal, Eric, Hello Eric my name is Roger!”

”Uh, yeah… We’ve met before!”

The crowd finds this comment absolutely hysterical. Roses fly onto the stage!

The sitcom writer who wrote that line into the episode is immediately handed an Emmy in the crowd.

”Anyway, fellas, I have a problem! I asked two girls to the big Championship Match dance tonight! And they both said yes! What do I do?”

Jake exhales. ”That th-th-there ain’t just a p-p-pickle! That’s a whole j-j-jar!”

…

The crowd coughs.

…Jake squints. ”Okay, this is s-s-starting to f-f-feel p-p-pers…persoooona… er, t-t-targeted.”

”Eric, have you considered telling the girls the truth and not lying to them because lying is wrong and also you’ll probably enjoy the dance more if you don’t have to divide your time between two dates and while that would likely result in a series of wacky shenanigans, you might hurt their feelings if they discover that you lied to them!”

Awwwwww, goes the crowd.

”I never thought about it like that. Thanks Roger.” Eric snaps his fingers with inspiration. ”Hey! Do you wanna take the girl I don’t want out? Her name is Lucy and she’s Wylde!”

”Thank you for the kind offer, Eric, but my wife Molly is seventeen months pregnant with our baby and as such I no longer take offers to date, at high school dances or otherwise.”

”...I c-c-could take her!” Jake clears his throat. ”I m-m-mean, so she d-d-doesn’t have no d-d-date to the d-d-dance!”

”Snirk.” …Eric stifles a laugh. ”Jake, with all due respect, I think this girl’s a little out of your league.”

”...W-w-ell, I th-”

”Because she’s very attractive.”

”S-s-sure, but, I-”

”And you’re ugly.”

”...F-f-for starting a s-s-statement with ‘all due r-r-respect’, this isn’t p-p-particularly r-r-respectful.”

”Exactly! I’m giving you the respect you’re due! Which is none!”

The crowd laughs again!

”That’s our Eric and also that’s the show Goodbye Audience I Love You All!”

CREDITS

Executive Producer
Garry Marshall

---

THE CHAMPIONSHIP BACHELORETTE

The “Always Composed” Pete Rose is dressed dapperly in a fine suit and tie.

”Folks, we’ve made it through twenty-seven weeks of competition and we’re down to our Final bachelors… But only one will win a shot with Lucy.. And her Television Title!”

A man with a lot of product in his hair and a lot of attitude in his whole deal stands before the camera.

”My name’s Matthias and I’m the only real choice left. The other two guys don’t stand a chance against me.”

Another young man with a pencil-thin mustache confidently weaves his hand through his hair. ”Lucy knows what she wants. And what she wants? Is a little Damian…”

Lucy stands with a single rose before the remaining Bachelors.

”Gentlemen, it’s been wonderful getting to know each of you…”

Lucy points the rose to Matthias. ”Matthias, I feel like you’ve got a lot of baggage from your last championship… But, something about you is… syn-tiliating to me.”

…Lucy points the rose at Damian. ”Damian, it feels like you just arrived at the competition, but I also feel like I’ve known you all my life. And part of me wants to give you the shot!”

”But, now that we’re down to the Final Two? I think th-”

”Er… a-a-actually, it’s th-th-three!”

…The camera pans over.

Just off-screen, standing next to Damian and Matthias is also Jake.

”...Hello.”

”H-H-Hi, Lucy!” Jake waves with boyish aplomb! ”Th-th-these two f-f-fellas are plenty good, b-b-but I hope y-y-you pick m-m-me!”

…

”And you, of course, are…”

…

……

”J-J-Jake?”

”Jake! Right, of course.”

…

”Full disclosure, Jake. I hadn’t been voting you off the show because I thought you were camera crew or… catering.”

…Jake wilts, hurt. ”B-b-but, Lucy! We had that n-n-nice walk on the b-b-beach! I t-t-told you all about my h-h-hopes and d-d-dreams!”

”...Riiiiight. See, again, I thought you were crew. So, I thought you were filming me walking on the beach for B-roll and you were directing me with that boring story about your life to get facial reactions out of me.”

”...Wait, you thought I w-w-was filming y-y-you? But I d-d-didn’t have a camera!”

”I know. I thought it was very unprofessional. I actually told the director thinking you’d get fired.”

”...Wh-wh-what?”

”Yeah, I told the director over and over, hey, there’s a member of the crew that keeps standing on stage with the contestants and I don’t think he should be there.”

…

Lucy looks over at Pete Rose. ”So, wait, this ISN’T the season finale?”

”Nope! This is the penultimate episode! Only two will make it to the last episode, so vote out the one you don’t wan-”

”That one!” Lucy points at Jake. ”Him. He’s out.”

Jake’s soul is crushed.

”I’m so sorry, but… in order to eliminate a contestant, you do have to say their name.”

…

”...Uh…”

”I l-l-literally just t-t-told you it!”

”Right, of course. Sorry, but you’re going home…”

”Jack.”

BZZZZT.

”Jim.”

BZZZZT.

”Jerry.”

BZZZZT.

”Jason.”

BZZZZT.

”Jeff.”

BZZZZT.

…

Lucy again looks over to the host.

”Can’t I just say ‘that one’?

”No, and I’m afraid we’re all out of time! Who will Lucy choose in the finale! And will she rem-”

”Oh Jake! That’s your name!”

”Y-Y-Yes!”

”Jake! He’s who I vote for!”

”Ah, well, now he’s out.”

---

”L-L-Lucy.”

“I g-g-get it.”

“N-N-No one understands why I’m in th-th-this sp-sp-spot..”

“A-A-After all…”

“You’re L-Lucy Wylde!”

“M-M-Multiple-time world ch-ch-champion!”

“Current T-T-Television champion!”

“The h-h-hottest t-t-talent in the XWF!”

“...And your f-f-first challenger?”

“Is J-J-Jake Borden?”

…

”A l-l-lot of p-p-people have th-th-thought that about m-m-me, Lucy!”

“Atara R-R-Raven thought I was a joke!”

“Sc-Sc-Sc-Scoops McGee th-th-thought I was a pr-pr-prancing clown!”

“Cy-Cy-Cyph3r thought I wasn’t a r-r-real contender!”

“None of them th-th-thought I was for r-r-real!”

“Until I p-p-pinned them!”

…

”Er…”

“W-w-well, I a-a-actually pinned L-L-Latoya in that match with C-C-Cypher…”

“B-B-But my point remains!”

“I’ve sp-sp-spent my whole c-c-career getting c-c-counted out!”

“G-G-Getting treated like a p-p-punchline!”

“G-g-getting sp-spanked as the b-b-butt of the joke!”

…

”B-B-But on the way?”

“I did win a belt!”

“I-I-I’ve pr-pr-proved I b-b-belong here!”

“S-s-so you can tr-tr-treat me like a joke, L-L-Lucy!”

“Laugh at m-m-me if you like! Just like e-e-everybody else!”

“But he who l-l-laughs last l-l-laughs lou-...louuuuuu…*ahem* laughs b-b-biggest!”

“And the o-o-only one laughing in the w-w-winner’s c-c-circle?”

“Is the w-w-winner!”

…

”Hope you’re r-r-ready, L-L-Lucy!”

“This time? I’m going F-F-FULL FORCE!”