There I lay.
Having fallen two stories through the Mall-of-America.
Franky Marigold and I… driven through a table pyramid.
Like a lost soul attending a riverside religious revival.
I submerged myself in X-Treme.
Re-baptised in my own blood.
…
After wandering through a desert of hopelessness…
Fighting a ceaseless tide of corporate oppression…
For a moment?
I felt cleansed.
Hopeful.
My eyes fluttered as a glimmering light shone upon my blood-soaked face…
I imagined the clouds parting…
Knowing my holy mission’s next phase would stream fully-formed into my mind…
The light would answer my question…
How can I make things better?
And that light?
…
The neon glow.
Of a god-DAMNED Panda Express.
…
What a fool I’ve been.
Thinking that match would purify my soul.
Lifting the XWF’s corporate interests upon my back…
Wrestling a match with more product placement than any other in XWF history.
I screamed for the workers to rise…
As the moneymen’s box offices overflowed.
Charging for every syllable streaming out my goddamn gullet.
…
I imagined myself.
Stalemated against the all-consuming corporate machine.
…
In that light, I saw clearly.
I’d been powering the machine.
My mission to bring the Revolutionary Dream to life…
Commodified by my corporate masters.
My oath to create a fairer world for my son?
Split into YouTube shorts, TikToks, Reels…
Converting mindless masses into zealots of the product.
A year of my purest efforts to make this world better?
Currently on sale, lining bargain bins around the globe.
![[Image: XzfN5nk.png]](https://i.imgur.com/XzfN5nk.png)
…
A puppet.
Strings tugged effortlessly by management.
…
At this moment?
Who do I encounter?
Larry FUCKING Tact.
An active player in the poisoning of the sport I love.
Not a puppet.
An action-figure.
”Kids, get your butts on the couch and your daddy’s credit card on standby! It’s another TACTILIZING episode of…”
”With his sidekick, Jakey!”
”Wowie-zowie, Mister Tact! What are we doing here?” Jakey ponders, realistic lips moving on his cartoon face.
”My TACTILIZING senses…” ‘Tact’ replies, sounding suspiciously like
Flynn ‘Graves’.
”Indicate there are nearby sucker… er… people! Needing… Tactilizing!”
Inside the tent, stereotypical robbers haul cash into crates…
”Excellent, fellow criminals! XWF’s shareholders will never realize we’ve stolen their dividends!”
”And we’ll use that money for world domination!”
”Egad! Those Robbers want world domination!”
”Even worse, chum! They’re depriving the shareholders of their hard-earned dividends! Time to Tactilize!”
”Not so fast!”
Our heroes…
Surrounded by the robbers!
”*gulp*”
”Children! DEMAND your parents buy…”
”Larry Tact’s Tact-ion Figure™!”
”With five catchphrases! Three more than Real Larry!”
”TACTILIZING!”
Larry and Jakey are tied-up!
”Mister Tact! How will we escape this mess?”
”Reach for your pocket!”
Jakey strains! His thin hands worms downwards...
”...There! Want the bobby pin I keep for emergen-”
”Get your wallet.”
”...What?”
”$2750! That’s what Tactilizing Yourself costs!”
”...I don’t have cash…”
”I take credit cards.”
Tact’s arm whips over the ropes, a Stripe plugged into his cellphone.
”...Wait, are you even tied up?”
…
Tact wiggles the card reader expectantly.
The robbers continue loading crates.
Our heroes emerge!
”Stealing from the wealthy is wrong, scum!”
”Or from anyone!”
”...Eh.”
Larry attacks using Tact Enterprises’ ENTIRE ANIMATION BUDGET!
”The shareholder’s dividends are safe!”
”Mister Tact!!”
Two robbers have taken Jakey!
”I paid you $2750! Save me!”
Thinking quickly, Larry whips out…
…A disclaimer-of-warranty.
”The Tactilize Yourself™ program does not guarantee success.”
The robbers shove Jakey into a car!
“Results shown in commercials are neither typical nor guaranteed.”
The robbers escape!
…As Larry sighs, relieved.
”Phew, got the warranty out… No liability for Tact Enterprises!”
“Larry saves the day!”
A dark room…
Two hands maneuver…
“Micheal Graves” DVDs…
Into a pyramid…
…Above that pyramid…
…Atop a DVD stack…
A Tact-ion Figure.
Its legs springload…
It leapfrogs airborne!
And thuds onto the pyramid.
”TACTILIZING!”
”Larry.”
”I find myself surrounded…”
“By moneymen. Determined to quash my movement.”
“And monsters seeking to infect my Thursday Night worker’s paradise...”
“The Black Rainbow looms over Anarchy.”
…
“Know what’s funny, Larry?”
“The wicked creatures?”
“Threatening the XWF’s way-of-life?”
“Jam product placement galore into their ‘invasion’”
“Waterboarding Peter Principle… with Smart Water?”
“Luring Aurora to an ambush… at a M3GAN 2.0 screening?”
…
“That’s my landscape… Corporate suits, preserving the status quo, standing on the working wrestler’s throats.”
“And the evil invaders… seeking world domination.”
“To take THEIR turn…”
“Standing on those same throats.”
“Then, there’s YOU, Lar-Bear.”
“The parasite.”
“Finding the helpless who can’t fight back…”
“And charging $2750 to TACTILIZE THEMSELVES.”
…
“Snake-oil salesman…”
“FRAUD.”
“Milking the last drops of hope from the hopeless.”
“Urging them not to question the system that’s created this nightmare of non-choice.”
“Don’t think!”
“Keep running!”
“Don’t question!”
“Keep spending!”
”And I *could* say I’m beating you…
“So that the world can see you.”
“For the charlatan predator you are.”
”But you’re the symptom, Lawrence.”
“Not the disease."
…
”However”
“I can *use* you…”
“To aim a message…”
“Higher.”
The hands flip a DVD over…
On its back-cover…
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
JIMMY STARS |
"Jimmy Stars."
"New Anarchy GM."
“You’re a hard guy to get ahold of, Starburst.”
“Never in your office…”
”Trying to avoid me, Jim-Jam?”
“Hoping to wait me out?”
“ALL-TIME Longest-Reigning Anarchy champion.”
“Three-hundred days-and-counting…”
The hands lift ‘Larry’…
“Thinking…Maybe… if you toss an action-figure at Ol’ Gravy?”
“The problem’ll solve itself?”
…
”You ever really look at one of these, Jimmy?”
“They appear strong.”
“Resilient.”
“But, like Larry himself?”
…SNAP. The toy snaps into chunks…
”They crack under pressure.”
”T-t-tacti-l-l-l-lizing…”
”Maybe you’re a visual learner, Star-boy.”
The hands retrieve a match…
Its light reveals the setting…
A warehouse…
Full of ‘Micheal Graves’ DVDs.
…
One hand holds the match.
The other lifts what's left of 'Tact'…
The two meet.
Instantly, 'Tact' is ablaze!
”Lead paint. Like a roman candle…”
The hand chucks ‘Tact’ toward the DVDs…
In moments, the merchandise towers?
A blazing inferno…
”Jimmy.”
“I ain’t satisfied with six-point-nine percent.”
“I’m coming for it all.”
![[-]](https://xwf99.com/images/portal2/collapse.gif)
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